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Last night’s premiere of “Southern Charm” was seriously like that Jennifer Lawrence movie “Red Sparrow,” in that it was 75 percent terrible acting (“So are you and that girl from ‘Relation Shep’ still dating because even though we’re allegedly besties and it is months later, I simply have no information on this” … I gave myself a haircut using this dull machete, which I plan on murdering your spiritual village with because EFF YOU and your hypocritical custody agreement and your shady nanny-nnigans and your New Girlfriend from central casting”). Those are the biggest stage 4 malignant villous adenomas I’ve ever seen! I wonder if he misses those daily Facetiming sessions with his mom when she talked him through her four-step spit-licking process. He’s starting to look like a battered lacrosse stick. You honestly think he knows how to use a smoker or that he knows how to time manage ribs? And ‘yes’ to whatever question you want to ask about that.”— Whenever Thomas talks to his nanny about his disgusting sex drive I picture her getting woken up in the middle of the night to put cold compresses on his Cialis malfunction while he stares at the wall and cries, “Don’t take me to the ER again. ” Meanwhile a 21-year-old College of Charleston student is standing near the door like “I thought you lived in a better house. ”— It doesn’t matter how young the girls Shep dates are, he will never seem as old as he seemed when Austen asked “What age did you stop caring about birthdays? Austen and Shep saying that Chelsea can’t have her cake and eat it too is like two male rats seeing a female pigeon and being like “She’s eating off the sidewalk? I swear Naomie pounded Time’s Up and #METOO pins into her co-stars’ bare chests before filming started.— Has someone started a Go Fund Me account yet to buy Whitney some lost maternal hugs? How is he ever going to get over that time he was in England at boarding school and his mom sent him a telegram that said “I don’t know if you noticed but I sent you to boarding school so I could do things, well I did a thing.

Here is why ...”) and 25 percent female badassery (starting with that fierce and feral blunt cut that makes Kathryn Dennis look like a high priestess of the Charleston fashion scene by day and, by night, a fire-and-ice warrior princess who growls things like, “That’s right, Thomas Ravenel. We can only make them comfortable until the end,” only to realize “Wait, cancerous polyps look healthier than that. ”— I was happy to see that Shep’s We’re Going to Grandma’s House hairstyle has finally been remedied. not to get deep here, but this season is already working on so many feminist levels for me.

Now granted, that barbecue thing was kind of forced on him and I hope it wasn’t a setup to humiliate him, but Lord. marriage woes, didn’t they totally have the facial expressions of two men struggling on the toilet while holding hands under the stall and saying things like “I’m here for you, man. I’m not sure what’s wrong with my eyes ….— What would you do if you found out this whole time Ashley was Landon? What if she rips off her face and is like “This was a mask, you backstabbers! (I think they call this "failure to launch.") I went out all the time and hung out with my other guy friends who had really attractive girlfriends, but I was the pitiful "lonely guy" of the group that would hardly ever get a phone number or date.And if I did get a date, it always ended up as "friends" at the end, because I was such a "Nice Guy." But I'd also look at my guy friends who had cool girlfriends and think, "He's not all that great looking, or all that smart." So How In The World Were These Other Guys I asked myself that over and over again.

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