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Instead, they wait for some random interval of days (the “three days” rule, for example) in an effort to appear more confident or aloof – when in reality, they’re just trying to muster up the courage.

It this sounds like you, think about it this way: if you met someone cool and had an amazing conversation with them, wouldn’t you want to keep in contact so you could keep things going?

By all rights it should be all systems go for getting a date that weekend. These are signs that, for whatever reason, the person you were talking to just decided that they were no longer interested. Flaking, on the other hand, is a last minute-cancellation of tentative plans; you’re all spruced up, so caught up with excitement for your date with that cute woman you met at the bar last Monday that you’ve shown up twenty minutes early.

Instead, it’s all last minute cancellations and radio silence. You’re half-caught up in imagining the sloppy make-outs that are in store for you later that night when you get the dreaded text: “Hey, turns out I can’t make it today. maybe out of boredom, maybe just because they’re going along to get along and just waiting for a socially acceptable excuse to send you packing.

Rather than calling right away, I advocate a quick text “ping” – a short, cute message that helps establishes contact and gauges how interested she is in talking to you – within 24 hours of getting her number.

In fact, depending on the context of how we met and for how long, I recommend pinging even sooner; if you met in, say, a club or a bar, she will likely have given her number out several times and the sooner you can establish contact with her the less likely you will melt into the blur of every guy she met that night.

In the moment, everything was amazing; you were flirting back and forth, you got her number and the promise of getting together later. Sudden radio silence – watching a flirtation over OKCupid cut off without warning, or a string of unanswered calls or texts without even the promise of a date in the first place – are not flaking. Maybe they have an irrational hatred of the way you use the oxford comma, who knows?

The other cause is the loss of what’s called “emotional momentum”.

The excitement and rush of a positive in-person interaction is heady, but it can wear off quickly if you don’t do anything to maintain it.

Wishy-washy texts and voice mails cause her excitement to fade even faster.

Similarly, going for long periods of time without contact will cause the momentum to diminish.

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After a successful ping, you should start a text conversation – one that leads towards setting up a call. No “we should hang out some time” or “hey, if you’re interested, maybe we could get a drink later…”.

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  1. Similarly, in a study of 832 college students, 26 percent of women and 50 percent of men reported feeling positive after a hookup, and 49 percent of women and 26 percent of men reported a negative reaction (the remainders for each sex had a mix of both positive and negative reactions; Owen et al., 2010).